Too little to live, too much to die, love you wish you could hate, truth mixed with a lie.
Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
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09
Mar
07
Mar
texanwhorelover asked: now that you're home you'll be fine, how soon will it be before you are out and about?
The first two days I was pretty much bed/couch bound. Today I was able to walk around pretty okay, shower standing get a bit of fresh air. I’m sure I’ll be close to normal within 4-5 days tops :] thanks for asking.
Be my pretty “we met online girlfriend or lovely internet boyfriend”! lol Reblog this quiz if you might be looking too! or ask me questions if you like my answers! Yes, I’m serious! I feel lonely tonight! Maybe Mr or Ms. Right’s on tumblr.. lol -_-
1) Are you quirky. Yes very, No, a little
2)Artsy. Yes, No
3)Interested in cosmetology or fashion? Yes both, No, cosmetology, fashion
4)Understanding of mental illnesses or diagnosed with one of your own? understanding, healthy and need someone healthy, anxiety disorder, depression, self injury, ex-self injury, eating disorder in recovery, eating disorder not in recovery, bipolar, ptsd, other, personality disorder, recovering addict or managing addiction
5)Poetry writer? Yes, No and totally uninterested, No but love to read
6)Enjoy Rough sex with your partner? Please, No way, Maybe
7)Smoke cigarettes? Yes, No but they’re tolerable, Only socially, No strongly dislike them too
8)Party?Drugs? Yes, Depends on substance, No but being around them is tolerable, Mostly No, Totally SXE
9)Consider yourself healthy? Yes! Into fitspo/fitblr, eating disordered, pro-ana/mia, trying to be healthier, exercises some, total couch potato, totally not my priority
10)Tell us about your body? skinny, skinny but feel fat, average, buff, beach body, curvy, bbw, big and trying to lose, heroin chich
11)Sexuality? Lesbian, Gay, Bi, bicurious, fluid, unsure, transgender, VERY bi
12)God stuff? Spiritual with liberal religious beliefs, strictly religious fundamental christian, atheist, agnostic, pagan, jewish, muslim, buddhist, other
13)Biggest 5 goals?
1-to Love another and be loved just as much back, 2-finish writing my book and have more poetry published, create more art 3- be happy with my body and self 4- become better at reading/writing arabic, 5- hear more music, follow more bands, go to festivals find more noise to love
14)Kids? Yes, if the timing and situation is good, Never, Possibly 50/50, definitely!
15)Politics? a)REEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeedddddddbbbbbbllllllllUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE
b)In other words? republican green party independent democratic
16)Movies? American psycho, girl, interrupted, requiem for a dream, train spotting, rules of attraction, garden state, juno, little miss sunshine
17)Books? Girl, Interrupted, The end of Alice, Wintergirls, Wasted, Can’t get there from here, The lovely bones, The Bell jar, A child called it, running with scissors
18)Secret? I sleep with a sock monkey named tipsy
19)Your childhood was? normal, loving and comfortable, very fortunate and lucky, below the poverty line but well loved, hell (abuse, foster care, trauma of some kind etc), financially blessed but it came with a price
20)Your parents and you are? close, distant, estranged, bitter, very close and loving, more friends than parental
21)Favorite sites? cracked.com, tumblr.com, postsecret.com, flickr.com, polyvore.com, myfitnesspal.com
22) your ideal? My ideal would be a pretty girl or boy or androgynous person, quirky and unique, artsy, music lover, smoker or tolerates smokers, understanding of my “issues” eating anxiety etc, spontaneous, someone who’d go to ashbury and haight san fransisco at a few days notice with next to no cash just for the ride and experience, dreadlock friendly, into fashion, not overweight :/ sry, honest, dependable and trust worthy, music lover, free thinker, intelligent, interested in maybe psychology, photography, dubstep, club rave scene, likes piercings tattoos, liberal and open minded, likes urban areas vs rural, bold, risk taker, rarely boring, likes to cuddle and watch movies or have rough kinky sex hahaha
NOW
who are you?
Anonymous asked: have your teeth been affected?
the enamel I can tell has thinned.. like they’re a LOT more sensitive and painful and up close look more “see through” but for the most part are unnoticeable, white and straight.
texanwhorelover asked: but you haveve an enviable body plus your young and beautiful, why do you have to die? also please tell us that you had friends and family visit at the hospital and encourage you to go on.
Not really, I don’t blame them though eventually people tire of watching you hurt and mess yourself up over and over again. I really appreciate your compliments I wish I felt that way.. would love to… :[ I don’t know that I want to die, I just feel unhappy and don’t know that I can stop ever doing what I do to myself. There’s one person I had for “phone support”. I’m scared to trust him too much though because even though we’re supposed to be moving back in together he’s hurt me bad in the past. I’m scared to get “my hopes up” to use a cliche phrase. I had a family member come and get me, drive me home and help me get situated but I was alone throughout most of it. I didn’t mind that as much as you might think though…
EDIT: was bed ridden first two days getting home, still resting a lot and spending lots of time laying down but am getting up some and able to move around a little more. ty
Using the Hunger & Fullness scale helps you to eat intuitively, and to become more in tune with your body’s needs.
hawthoerne asked: You are beautiful and i hope that one day you will believe me! <3
Thanks honey, it was just really triggering. :[
Anonymous asked: Would you tell us your stats (age, height, weight) and what your weight goal is?
I’m twenty, 5’4, and dying.. my bmi is below 16, I will post that but
I WILL ONLY POST MY ACTUAL WEIGHT IN REPLY TO PRIVATE QUESTIONS TO NON ANONYMOUS USERS WITH AN AT LEAST HALFWAY VALID REASON FOR WANTING TO KNOW OR BEING CURIOUS.
If anyone does ask this off anon I WILL answer privately and respect your privacy.
PLEASE PLEASE don’t ever be scared to ask me questions. I love them. No boundaries. I’m not nearly as defensive or harsh about things as some users and I love chatting and “meeting” people.
The problem with “goal weights” is this, they always get lower.. I meet them and am never satisfied.
As I said in my last post talking about the feeding tube, hospital etc. I think I’d only ever really be happy being weightless. :[
I had to have minor surgery. My lower kidney was damaged where it attaches to the bladder and tube. It was torn and damaged because of kidney stones. I get them frequently from dehydration, vitamin deficiencies, medicine,and my ED etc.
The procedure would have been really minor on an average person. They would have had to just “go in” using a cystoscopy and then cauterize the damaged areas, however, ALSO because of my eating disorder, once I was admitted they realized my blood pressure, pulse and heart rate were pretty much in the toilet. Because of this, they had a really hard time keeping me awake and getting me awake after anesthesia. I have had heart blocks before due to anorexia and they were really concerned I’d have another. It took quite an effort, I was told, to avoid one and keep my LUV organ (lol) pumping while I was under.
Once awake they didn’t want to discharge me ‘til I was “healthier”. By that they meant they wanted to raise my potassium, iron, glucose and deficient vitamin levels. All of those levels were zapped and next to nothing low.
They gave me feeding tube nourishment because of my condition and now I’m two pounds heavier. This is something I am now really struggling with. My self esteem is zilch. I wish I were normal .
Everything in relation to this sucks and I’m really hating my body now. It’s been really really triggering and all I can think about is that extra weight.It’s consuming my brain and I don’t think I can possibly be sane again if I don’t lose it again and more…it’s killing me. Right now, I feel I’d do anything to lose at LEAST five more lbs and never ever have a tube again.
I know it’s sick thinking somewhat but it’s my sick thinking…and I’d go crazoy or become suicidal without it. I have to lose weight.. because I always have to. If I’m 90lbs, I want to be 85lbs, 80lbs I want 75lbs, HELL, 06lbs I wuld want 04lbs.
I know now, the only number I could not have a problem with would have to be zer0. Therefore, I dont know if I ever could possibly be truly happy at all… sorry to add a vent to this question, it’s just really effecting me now.
Why do I hate me so much? How nice would it feel… just to look in the mirror and feel nice.. pretty? Instead of feeling like a worthless, dirty, fat, bitch cunt full of self hate?
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